Let me get straight to the point. I was diagnosed with Bipolar II in the summer of 2024, after spending my life savings to start a company that I was convinced would be The Next Best Thing™ (spoiler alert: it wasn’t). Since then, I’ve been trying to navigate life with this new-found understanding of myself. Things started to click into place. The spurts of high energy and extreme overconfidence and wanting to do all the things that happened to me my whole life was not normal. The depression I understood- it was something a lot of people that I knew dealt with and something that I had personally dealt with since seventh grade. It hindered me from authentically living life. It caused me to hurt my body in ways I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
And that’s what I mean by ‘The Two Sides of Success’: the ‘highs’ allowed me to be successful, while the ‘lows’ made me question if life was even worth living. If you’ve read through my website, then you’ll know that I’m a high achiever. I now attribute my success to my illness. I once woke up at 4 AM during college, wide awake, and wrote my entire proposal and personal statement for the National Science Foundation’s Graduate Research Fellowship Program – which I ended up winning. I had the gall to hold a virtual meeting with a professor from Germany in the middle of the night to secure a spot in the Fulbright fellowship to conduct research at the University of Lubeck. I even recall a time thinking I would work at the NIH somehow, but not as a researcher. No, I KNEW I could do something bigger and better. I would be the Global Director. (That dream lasted a week).
But all of this is always followed by crippling despair and hopelessness. I’ve never had the type of depression that causes you to be stuck in bed; I always made myself get up and ready for the day. But I would often get stuck on the couch, just staring into space, because it was all I could muster to do. And then there’s the dysphoric mania, also known as mixed episodes. These are notoriously dangerous because it combines the typical symptoms of depression – SI, emptiness, worthlessness – with aggression, irritability, and impulsivity that can cause you to have enough motivation to commit a certain act.
I am fortunate enough – if you can call it that – to only experience hypomania, rather than full-blown mania. I don’t experience psychosis, delusions, or hallucinations. The things I’ve done while hypomanic pale in comparison to what I’ve heard those with Bipolar I have done. Many people in this world think that mania is a good thing because it causes you to be creative. While this can be true to an extent, it is a harmful stereotype. Marriages have been ruined, jobs lost, tens of thousands of dollars down the drain. And let’s not forget the psychiatric hospitalization that can occur in severe cases.
I would not wish the two sides of success on anyone. It’s not worth it. Stability is a virtue worth striving for. Now, I have to meet with my psychiatrist every two weeks to make sure my meds are working. I will need to take these medications for the rest of my life or risk having another episode (which is exactly what happened when I forgot to take my nightly pills during my honeymoon because of the time difference).
I always knew I was different, but I never knew how. My diagnosis gave me the answer I didn’t know I was searching for. And now, with my blog, I can share my unique experiences with the world to raise awareness around this disorder.
Irene L. Matasa, MS 
Leave a comment