An Endless Battle

I’ve really been struggling the past few weeks. I was put on a new medication in January to help with my depressive episodes, but after increasing the dosage last month, new and uncomfortable symptoms have been popping up. From restlessness and agitation to severe anxiety, I have not been having a good time. Coincidentally, I have been clean and sober for a little over three weeks now, so that could be adding fuel to the fire.

Today, I finally stood up for myself and made an on-demand appointment with my psychiatrist to talk about symptoms. We decided to lessen the dosage so that I could eventually come off of it. But you know what sucks? Apparently I’ll have to go on another antipsychotic, even though I’m already on a high dose of Lithium. You know what else sucks? My therapist and psychiatrist have differing opinions on my diagnosis and treatment plan. One thinks I have Bipolar I, and the other, Bipolar II. The difference probably isn’t too significant, it’s just that type I has full-blown mania (scary) and type II has hypomania (not as scary).

How is this impacting my career? Yes. Very much, thanks for asking. The anxiety (both the physical symptoms- heart racing, sweating – and the mental symptoms – worrying, ruminating – has been so intense, my smartwatch has been telling me I’ve been meeting my “exercise intensity” goals because my heart rate has been so high. I can’t concentrate on work, I’m freaking out about upcoming trainings I have to give, and today was so bad that I had to take the afternoon off. Hence why I made an on-demand appointment; I can’t keep living like this.

And let’s not forget about the brain fog that comes with early sobriety as well as post-acute withdrawal symptoms. I miss being able to think clearly and feeling sharp and being able to answer questions on the spot. Now, it feels like I’m trudging through molasses just to get through the day. It’s times like these where I miss the ‘highs’ of my illness, only because these episodes were accompanied by higher-than-usual energy, motivation and creativity. But I do know that each one of these episodes is followed by crippling depression, so I don’t know what to wish for. I just want to get better already.