It’s Been a Year

Well, it’s been a year since my last blog post. (I know.) I could say that life got in the way, but the reality is I just haven’t been in the mood to write. I even took a hiatus from writing my memoir.

Some Life Updates

I’ve run two half-marathons. The first one was the City of Oaks Half Marathon – it was well organized and the crowd was amazing. Great signs all around (including one at mile 6.5 that said you have 6 7 miles left [iykyk]). It was overall a great experience and I had fun. For what it’s worth, I did intervals of 0.5 mile running and 1 minute walking. The second one was the Cary Greenways Half Marathon and let me tell you – it made me want to quit running. My goal was to run the whole thing (except aid stations), and I had trained for that – up to 10 miles. I never made it to my last long run of 12 miles due to chest pain (I was diagnosed with costochondritis in high school). The course was not marked well at all (I had a panic attack at mile 7 because I thought I missed a turn). There was hardly anyone cheering us on – but I am so thankful for the woman who told me “hell yeah” at mile 4. Not to mention, the last 0.25 mile of the course was uphill on a trail with exposed roots; the rest of the race was on pavement. It is undetermined whether I will run another race.

I quit THC. (3 times). The first time I quit for 4 months, then 2 months, then a month. So I’m hoping that I break the cycle this time. As of writing this, I am on Day 6. Tomorrow, I get to buy myself a pair of shiny purple roller skates with butterfly wings. That is my present to myself for making it to 7 days. I am thinking of starting a recovery MeetUp group, as there are none in the Raleigh area. Well, there is a recovery group, but it’s for narcissistic abuse. I am really trying my hardest to fill the time with other meaningful activities. I even applied to volunteer at the local dog shelter.

I have been struggling with work. I go through periods of liking my job and then periods of being miserable. You see, I am a Data Analytics Training Specialist. I teach my colleagues how to use business intelligence software. I enjoy the “helping” aspect of the job, but not so much the planning or the delivery of the trainings. I also have a lot of downtime: when there are no trainings, I have nothing to do. And I don’t like boredom. It is one of my triggers. So I’ve been flip flopping on whether I should apply to other jobs or just stay where I am and accept it. The problem is, I don’t know what else I want to do. I’ve taken at least 3 career quizzes and I still feel like I’ve gotten nowhere. I have it pretty good now – little responsibility, great pay. And my job is pretty easy now that I know the ins and outs of the software. So I don’t know what to do.

On THC

It’s time to be honest. I started smoking in sophomore year of college. Back then it was really occasional – just at parties. Then my boyfriend at the time was given some weed, and we bought a bowl. Things kind of escalated from there; we lived together junior year and I had a plug through the frisbee team. By the time senior year rolled around, we had broken up but I kept the habit. It helped me relax and deal with stress. (Read my first blog post to see what kind of pressure I put myself under.) I used it just at night so I didn’t think I had a problem. But when I had a falling out with my plug, I started freaking out about not having any. I knew then that that wasn’t normal. But I kept on. Eventually, probably around the start of grad school, I started using earlier in the day. By the time Alex and I had been dating for a few months, I was using as early as noon. I didn’t like this. But I didn’t – couldn’t – stop. Then Alex got a job with a defense contractor and had to quit. So I quit with him.

I could write a whole blog post on withdrawal symptoms, but I’ll leave it to this paragraph. It starts with intense sweating, insomnia, nausea, and severe anxiety. I would wake up completely drenched the first few nights. And let’s not forget about the vivid nightmares – mostly Alex dying in some catastrophic accident or breaking up with me. The nausea – oh, the nausea. I threw up so much each time I quit. It is really a horrible experience. And this in turn leads to a lack of appetite; I ate applesauce and gatorade for three days straight. These withdrawal symptoms alone are enough to deter me from using again. At least, that’s what I would think. But I always forgot how bad it was after a month. I am determined to stay sober this time.

I don’t really have a clean ending for this post. I wish I did. I wish I could say I’ve figured everything out, or that I have a clear plan, or even that I feel hopeful all the time. But the truth is, I don’t. What I do have is six days sober. And for right now, that’s enough.